... ask WAND ANYTHING

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Q1) How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Charms Blow Pop?

Q2) What is the first rule of Fight Club?

Q3) In an epic, no-holds-barred battle between John Wick and Neo, who would win and why?

Q4) There's something strange in your neighborhood. Who ya' gonna call?

Q5) It was Halloween Night. The wind was a torrent of darkness among the ghastly trees. The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon the cloudy seas. Your doorbell rang. You answered. Standing on your front porch — wearing spandex, leather, vinyl, and whiskers — were Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfeiffer, Halle Berry, and Anne Hathaway. Simultaneously, they all opened their baskets and shouted, "Trick or Treat!" Did you trick them or treat them?

Q6) Who is John Galt?

Q7) Please, please tell me now — is there something I should know?

Q8) Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy. A kid will eat ivy too. Wouldn’t you?

Q9) Where’s the beef?

Q10) Paper or plastic?

Rhetorical Q) It seems I'm making way more careless errors these days than I used to. I wonder if I've lost my edge?

Q11) Who killed Laura Palmer?

Q12) Why is it that Clark Kent and Superman are never in the same place at the same time?

Q13) What is the origin of life on Earth —

1) Random chance or

2) Wishful thinking?

Q14) There are times when you come across as being somewhat clever, even borderline intelligent. At other times, you seem to possess the intellect of a jellyfish or some other invertebrate species such as a tapeworm or a ladybug. Which characterization is closest to the real Wand?

Q15) Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.

Q16) An “...ask Wand Aanything” Bonus — Augie asks Wand a questin instead of you !

Paula Cole just came on the radio. Looking back, I realized “Holy Mackerel, the 90s were almost as good as the 80s!” Right on that realization’s heels, I also realized “She’s absolutely right! Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?” (Which isn’t quite a realization but will suffice here for our purposes.) Then I re-realized the realization about the 90s being almost as good as the 80s and realized further that I’d fallen into The Dreaded Nostalgia Trap, where my cracked rear view hinders my ability to look objectively at the past, confusing actual facts (such as “Darius Rucker is awesome!”) with the sugar-coated Good Ol’ Days (“Hootie and the Blowfish are so good that they and Alanis Morrissette will undoubtedly rule the musical charts for the remainder of my lifetime!”). Like a nuclear meltdown, this process began an inevitable tumbling of dominoes and ended with me unrealizing my initial realization and replacing it with the subsequent realization that the 90s could only beat the 80s with a 4 or 5 year head start.

Q17) Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Q18) Whatever happened to Baby Jane?

Q19) A train leaves Los Angeles travelling westbound at 75 miles per hour. At precisely the same moment, an identical train leaves Honolulu travelling eastbound at 75 miles per hour. How tall is the railroad bridge over the Marianas Trench?

Q20) Where does an 800-pound gorilla sleep?

Q21) How much is that doggie in the window?

Q22) Why are there so many songs about rainbows?

Q23) What’s in your wallet?

Q24) Lately, I’ve been giving serious thought to going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs but wanted to get your thoughts first. I’m new to the breakfast cereal scene. Can you give me any advice?

Q25) Would Drano let you hurt your pipes?

Q26) Why does it seem like, almost always, nice guys finish last?

Q27) I'm dissatisfied with your answer to Q26. What else have you got?

Q28) Why has the Atlantic Hurricane Season been so active this year?

Q29) Romeo, oh Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Q30) What's love got to do, got to do with it? What's love, but a second-hand emotion?

Q31) 2020 has been a year like no other, and we are faced with many challenges — environmental, legal, and political — which threaten to rip America into pieces from within. What advice can you give to the youth of our nation, many of whom have not faced these types of adversities before?

Q32) You're a mask-wearing, spandex-clad alien superspy with access to cutting-edge, high-tech weaponry, injected with a mysterious super-serum created in a clandestine underground government lab in New Mexico, bitten by a radioactive bat bred by an evil veterinarian for nefarious purposes, pelted with cosmic rays when your space plane crash-landed onto an asteroid, and/or you're a sword-wielding, sandal-clad demigod from a parallel universe with strengths and powers far exceeding those of mortal men. (Oh, and both your parents died at the hands of criminals so, of course, you decided to become a wealthy, crime-fighting vigilante.) What are your main superpowers?

Q33) Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Q34) Is hate the opposite of love?

Q35) What happened to the Lost Colony at Roanoke?

Q36) Now that 2020 is finally, at long last, over — what will you miss most?

Q37) What do you think 2020 coud have done better if it really put its heart into it?

Q38) What do you think was 2020's greatest achievement?

Q39) Pioneer Spirit? How's that?

Q40) Where do artificial tears come from?